12 Crucial Moments for Fathers (from Jon Tyson)

Jon Tyson, in his new book The Intentional Father, shares that one of the most important role we can have as godly fathers is being prepared for important moments and having a plan for how we address our sons in those important moments. He writes: 

“so much of our lives is defined by moments. Moments of wonder, moments of heartache, moments of accomplishment, moments of regret. An intentional father is aware of the power of moments and works hard in advance to create life-changing ones.”

All of us could probably tell a story about when our dads got it right, and one about when our dads got it wrong.

He shares 12 key moments he experienced with his son and encourages dads everywhere to have a plan for these key moments in your son’s life (I’m directly quoting from chapter 9 of his book, with his permission!):

First cell phone.

What apps are they going to install? What are the boundaries for using it? How are you going to restrict access to porn? How are you going to communicate the power and potentional for danger in having this device? How will they use social media? How will they respond to online bullying? 

First exposure to pornography.

How you handle your child’s first exposure to porn will either set a pattern of godly repentance or a cycle of shame. It’s possible to underreact, saying, “That’s totally normal, don’t worry about it.” It’s also possible to overreact and make them feel like it’s the end of the world. But what if you said, “Hey, look, you know what? This is something all men wrestle with. How did you come into this?”

First shave.

What a great opportunity to mark a moment! When I was talking with a friend about this, he actually wept. “My dad wasn’t there to teach me how to shave,” he said, and it was really a wound for him. You can get this right. You can say to your son, “Get in the car; we’re going to the store to buy you a nice razor, some shaving cream, and some aftershave.” Or you can take him to the barbershop to meet his new friend, the straight razor. Whatever the case, you can make this a really significant moment for him.

First girlfriend.

This is the kind of moment when you can treat your son with real respect. It’s so awkward at that age to like a girl, “fall in love,” and try to figure out how to care for someone. Rather than mocking or making light of Nate’s first girlfriend, I tried to be serious about it. I entered into this moment with him and didn’t dismiss it as kids’ stuff.

First breakup.

This is a traumatic moment for your child—don’t point out that they’re young and that the love they felt wasn’t actually real. Treat it with the soberness and seriousness with which they’re experiencing it. Come alongside them. You might have to spend hours talking with them about it, but this is a moment you want to get right.

First exposure to drugs.

Have you prepared yourself to talk through this with your child, either when they first see someone using drugs or if they try it for themselves? This is coming. The legalization of marijuana is happening all over the country, and there has been a normalization of drug use in our culture. Are you ready for this moment?

First exposure to the LGBTQ world.

How you handle this topic with your child is vital. You’re either going to show the mercy of Jesus or the condemnation of the Pharisees. I have had this conversation with Nate. We live in a gay neighborhood in Hell’s Kitchen, New York City. I knew I wanted to display the mercy of Jesus. What’s it going to be for you? How are you approaching this moment?

First exposure to death.

When our kids encounter death, their illusion of immortality is shattered. How will you help them grieve and face their sorrow? How will you handle the questions they’re bound to ask? You can give them space, you can engage their questions—have you thought through how you’ll handle this moment?

First job.

I remember telling Nate, “It’s time for you to get a job, earn some money, and learn responsibility.” So he decided to apply for a job at Chick-fil-A, and I helped him prepare for his interview. We studied together. I coached him through what the interview might look like. And after he got his first job, we celebrated; we went out and marked this moment. I made him read Why Work? by Dorothy L. Sayers, and we talked about the power of vocation. It was a beautiful moment that shaped him.

First exposure to racism.

We live in a divided world. You know it and I know it, but there’s something important about that first moment when your child recognizes it. Are you prepared to have that conversation? What do you do? And how do we call out the church when it gets this wrong? What does biblical justice look like?

First time with a driver’s license.

Driving a car and the independence that goes along with it could possibly be the most definitive moment in a teenager’s life. They can go anywhere and do anything. Their autonomy and freedom are dramatic. So how will you help them be responsible? Teach them what to do if there is an accident? Maintain and care for the car?

Whimsical moments.

These other moments I’ve mentioned can be prepared for; with enough discipline, you can be ready for them. You can execute a plan. It’s like a martial art—you run through something enough times, and then when the real thing comes along, your reflexes kick in and you know exactly what to do. But whimsical moments are different. Can you somehow prepare yourself, when an unexpected moment happens, to knock it out of the park?

So a question: how have YOU created memorable moments in these areas for your sons and daughters? 4